This post is largely a set of edited excerpts from the New York Times article 6 Steps to Turn Regret Into Self-Improvement, by Jennifer Taitz. Related content is noted.

What is regret?

Have you ever felt like life would be better if you had taken a different path? If only you had pursued that job, ended that relationship sooner or moved to a new city, everything would be just perfect.

But even painful emotions like regret can be powerful sources of inspiration.

Researchers have found that obsessing over regrets has a negative impact on mood and sleep, it can increase impulsivity, and it be a risk factor for binge eating and misusing alcohol.

Tip #1: Evaluate how you cope with regret

How do you cope with it?

Many of us try to push pain away. Others ruminate about perceived mistakes.

Research has shown that it’s impossible to run from emotions without consequences.

Dodging upsetting feelings actually makes them even more present: Suppressing our emotions can diminish our capacity for joy and potentially manifest as physical pain.

However, researchers also found that when people find a silver lining in their regret, they are able to think more clearly.

What comes up when you hear that?

Ruminating makes it worse. Venting makes it worse.

Take time to notice how you handled a recent regret. Did you pretend it meant less than it did? Or did you fall into a shame spiral? Once you figure out how you navigate these situations, you can start using your emotions to your advantage.

Tip #2: Interrupt your obsessing

List the consequences of a recent regret spiral.

Honestly assess the effect it had on you.

Related: Who would you be without that thought? See The Work of Byron Katie.

Think about the times you’re most tempted to ruminate on your regrets, like right before you go to sleep.

Develop a set of concrete, alternative options.

These can engage you when you can feel yourself standing on the edge of a regret spiral about to fall in. The goal here is stop this type of thinking in its tracks before it consumes your energy.

What do you do?

If you feel the grip of strong emotions, dip your face in ice water. (Really.)

dipping your face in ice water works because it increases activity in the parasympathetic nervous system, lowering your body temperature and heart rate, preventing emotions from intensifying.

The goal is to regulate your emotions for a few minutes to then approach your situation with a little more clarity.

Tip #3: Revisit your regret, then repeat these phrases

Remember that silver lining effect? Two mantras:

Everything can be viewed from a different perspective.

There is positive value in every experience.

How do you feel when you hear those two statements?

Focusing on what you gained can help you pivot from the negative impacts of regret. And keep in mind that so much of your regret story is just that: a story.

Researchers even label regretful “if only” stories as counterfactual thinking, since it’s impossible to know how things would have turned out had you made a different choice.

Optimism

Did you see the movies Silver Linings Playbook or The Life of Pi? What do you remember about them?

one benefit of regret is that it signals improvement is possible,” said Neal Roese, a professor...who focuses on the psychology of judgment and decision-making. “The trick is to avoid obsessing and pull out a lesson that can be applied in future situations.”

as prisoners of war for six to eight years...in solitary confinement, these 750 men were remarkably resilient. Unlike many fellow veterans, they did not develop depression or PTSD after their release, even though they endured extreme stress. What was their secret? After extensive interviews and tests, Charney found ten characteristics that set them apart. The top one was optimism. The second was altruism. Humor and having a meaning in life—or something to live for.
- Emily Esfahani Smith

Related: See The Benefits of Optimism are Real in The Atlantic, by Emily Esfahani Smith.

Which story do you prefer?
- Life of Pi

Tip #4: Treat yourself like your ideal mentor would

Imagine your mentor talking you down from a spell of regret. Would she focus on everything you did wrong? Or would she encourage you not to be so mean to yourself, and rather try to find the tangible, practical lessons you can learn from the experience?

Tip #5: Clarify what matters to you

One of my clients came to see me after feeling guilty about how angrily she speaks to people. Together, we worked on utilizing her remorse to pinpoint the virtues she most cherishes — "I care about being nice rather than being right" was one — since focusing on the damage already done wouldn’t do her or her relationships any good.

Emotions are data. When we are open to the difficult emotions, we are able to generate responses that are [aligned with our values].

Use the emotion as a springboard to examine what truly is important to you. Consider the values you most want to stand for, and the values that are core to your identity.
- Susan David

Related: See the Emotional Agility TED Talk by Susan David

Tip #6: Take action

Kintsugi: Golden Repair

Kintsugi is a philosophy of repairing broken things, like cracks in pottery, for example. Rather than hide an item’s imperfections, the reparation process highlights them. Those imperfections are considered part of an item’s history, and repairing it this way can add beauty to the original items — like using precious metal to fix cracks in pottery.

Make a list of regrets large and small, then brainstorm exactly how to take steps to remedy whatever is haunting you.

The ultimate cure for anticipating regret isn’t feeling lousy or overthinking. It’s thoughtfully pursuing solutions, and using the wisdom gained through self-reflection to act.